just another fucked up post

I’ve got no idea how mad at I am at this moment. i don’t really know why the fuck i’m so mad at you. I just cant stop thinking about you and that drives me insane, drives my fuckin crazy and right now i just want to hit something really hard just pour that fuckin flow of nerves somewhere.
i’ve got no idea why but i want to talk to you and in the same time i dont want. it kind of hurts when i speak to you. you so here next to me, and you are so there next to the teddy bear i gave you…
i think i’m fuckin losing my mind. i just don’t know how to say stop of my feelings. And i don’t really wanna do that i said it.. i never wanna stop my feelings from going flowing from the river to the sea and to feel free . YEAH FEEL FREE. that’s what i always wanted. to be independant. and i feel free with you. but without you is like i dont really feel myself the same way i used to. i just need that feeling .. that you are right by my side, so i can feel you body warmth. and your eyes.. your look that gives me the strenght to do anything in the world. I miss that look. I miss when you call me bear, i miss every your call. i miss even your way of speaking. its just soooo fucked in the head. whole this thing. sometimes i get angry at myself. how the fuck , how in the whole world i will feel in such a way again after all those painful things that happened to me. I feel so fucked up, so screwed , so fuckin miserable because of my feelings again. Its been more than an year that i was in such a situation. So what?? I fuckin missed it, huh? missed the pain to feel alone. I’ve felt alone before, i’ll feel alone again, of course.
What do i understand by saing alone right.. yessss, fuckin question. alonee, what does fuckin alone means huh , huh!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!!? ALOOOOOOOOOOOOONE IN THE HEAD BUDDY! U R FUCKIN ALONE IN THE HEAD. THERE IS NOBODY IN YOUR FUCKIN HEAD!!!!

It happened again that i love a girl, woman, whatever.. for the first time i really felt loved. i know that all the others i had, liked me. but i feel loved now. and thats so different. ( ou.. poor bear feels loved……… but you’re not…. just halucinate )
yeah that might be also, i;m not sure. idk ,.. i feel like i don’t fuckin know anyghitn. like a stupid child with the feeling and the worries of an old man. imagine to put all those feelings of an old man into a 3 year old baby.. what whould happen. the little baby will just probably burst into flames.!!?!>!:Lwlrsdohise

wtf
i miss that hand that used to hold mine……..
i miss the laugh that made me laugh even more…..
i miss everything about you.
everyting around you..
you’re like a shiny toy in a toy-shop that everybody wants but only the one that has the special gloves to hold you can reach you and play with you….
you’re like a ball in the sea , and i’m on the beach.. the sea just keeps pushing you away…
i don’t really believe you do it, but i think that you’re even trying to swim away from me also. i don’t know if you want that, i don’t know if i dont want it. its again about my feelings and how i feel about you.
after that brake up idk how do you feel about me. all that skypeing just … i dont understand it. when you write me i feel fine , we’re friends thats what we wanted right? to BRAKE UP! NOT TO BE TOGETHER ANYMORE, SO WE CAN FIND ANOTHER ONE.. BULLSHIT!
i will always be your friend whatever happens , always, always. and right now i know i can’t do anything else that writing you on skype 😡 so yeah , i’m your friend only now…

but that call today just killed me. idk what the fuck happened. it was so insanely nice in the beginning. I heard you’re pretty voice. I didn’t see you but i imagined how cute you sit in front of the laptop and laughing with me. i felt so damn crazy happy. again , as if you were somehow around me but no.. but fuckin no. i don’t know how this will continue. i just don’t know.
then you started talking about how we broke up and how your friends kept asking you about how’s the new one!?????? the new one that is supposed to be the reason to brake up with me…..
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!??!
IS THAT WHAT YOUR FRIENDS THINK ?? THAT in the middle of one relation you just start liking another and brake up with the OLD ONE???
and that thing just made me feel like a fucking cockroach.. i don’t know why. i just felt freakin miserable about how I was just smth.. just wtf .. yeah i was one of the many.. now who’s the new one , huh?!??
how’s the new guy you’re going out. I probably don’t have the right to think that or the right even to say that because i know that there was nobody . but the fact that you’re friends treated you like that…. don’t you feel like a napkin in somebodys hands… fuck i look like a complete idiot. like a disturbed emo guy.. WTF

oh, yeah.. your mother said that also.. whatever.. im the fucked here..
i just don’t get it.. how come you can act so perfectly indifferent to those kind of things..
You talk about love, who you did love, what did you do for him , about him, because of him, you even dream some of them sometimes… so i just don’t get it..
: you don’t get what?

I dont understand what are you made of.. to be so sweet and bitter at the same time……..

i don’t know how i’m gonna wake up tomorrow and will find the phone to call you to drink coffee or go out somewhere but that would be just a FUCKIN DREAM.

oh yeah, if all these things written matter anyting . i just don’t think i’m gonna be able to say smth like that.

and don’t think i’m obsessed with you. i’m not. ( yeah, right, look what you’ve written you freak ) but i’m not. i just wanted to try to express my feeling in some way. i just want you to be happy, i just realised it now after all the bullshit i wrote. i will always want you to be happy no matter what will that cost, but that’s what i am. one good guy that fell in love with the ‘perfect’ girl. and as of course all the ‘nice’ stuff happens to the nice guys, here i am. writing as a freak in the middle of the night , trying to understand his feelings about a girl that he met on fb and had 17 great days with her.. yeah why not. ;alsdigjohdsi;jsigd
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for a moment i felt calm.. but now i just freaked out again!!!!!!!!!!! a;sldkgja;osidhoesih;diea;slkd asd asdmflamsaaaamkakaaa
yeah thats how i express my freaking out.. i just can’t say anything decent.. nothing good comes out of my mouth .. just ‘a;sdf;alskdjf;alskdfj;alskdf;alsdoawiegpoaiweaonvoawe’ something like that or even worse.

why i bother that much, huh? why… who the fuck told me to bother that much. even you my dear told me not to.. try to find someone else. it just needs some time wtf.. i can’t do anything now i just can’t fuckng think of it. it just feels fuckin disgusting to even think of it…

i wonna hold you next to me and thats what im gonna do until my heart tells me so. TO4KA!

Next day edit:
All these things I wrotes makes me one of the many, right?