This title doesn’t say shit.
So let’s start somewhere else.
The other day a feeling came back to me. A very familiar feeling, yet a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. It was the rush of wanting to create! The sudden eye-opening moment where you just want to get your tools and start working. Whatever is closest to you — just grabbing it and starting to mould that what was first a thought, an idea and then born into the real world as a representation of that thought.
What a beautiful primal feeling that is.
Immediately after I got to typing on this very same keyboard the previous short article I wrote, I felt another deep feeling coming over me which also felt very familiar, but way too familiar.
Shame.
I felt ashamed of myself that it took me so long before the last time I felt the rush for creating. Exploring, wanting, needing, seeking.
The realization is rather difficult when it hits you like that. I’ve not been honest with my true self for a very long time now. I’ve been playing another man’s game. A game that is not mine.
Oh god, it took me so long to uncover this bit. I have been lying to myself that I know what I want and I know what I’m doing.
I don’t know shit.
I also do not know what I’m doing. Do I know what I want to do? — doubt it!
You might think – here’s where the depression settles in. Exactly the opposite. I feel a sense of relief, of hope even. I’m glad. I’m not sad. Even the shame itself is fading away. Breathing.
I’m just being.
Good job, Alex. Bravo. Sitting here on the couch and being. What now, dude?
Nothing and everything.
Whaoo – some profound shit there, mate.
The thing is, I need to let go first so that new things came come into my life. The second I thought – great, now I’m clean, let’s figure out the next big thing. I fail right there and then. I fall back into the trap of old bad habits (hobbits?) that got me here in the first place.
I know what’s right for me. I will take my time and not just jump on the next idea.
I want to feel that sense of genuine curiosity, genuine need to know more, to want to be there in the zone and do things.
I know that exist and I know that is out there waiting for me to find it. The next thing in my life that I want to be fully immersed in.
Passion.
When I talk to friends they keep asking me if I considered being a coach. That has been going on for quite a few years now. The only reason they ask me that is because I speak passionately about self-care, habits, discipline, goal-making, mediation, growth, reflection, and on and on.
I’m still afraid
There are a bunch of things in my life that I fail to complete and also, a whole lot that I know I need to be doing, but I’m not. I just look away like Courage the cowardly dog.
Here’s a list of the things I can think of right now:
- Learning Danish – I’m afraid of failing, of succeeding – I don’t know which it is anymore. But I certainly delete the Duolingo reminder email faster that the speed of light.
- Wait, was that it? I spend 5 min here… I will get back to this for sure.
But I’m hopeful
Enough writing for today. I’m onto something here.